Tuesday, 19 March 2013

Swimming with Dolphins and the Bus that Never Comes

People talk a lot about being on their death beds and regretting stuff and all that. That's OK if you're into that kind of thing but I'm not sure I like the idea much. Personally I'm hoping for a really dramatic exit.

Imagine instead you're on an out of control train, the countryside streaming past, all the passengers screaming and running about with blood in their eyes. Will you be thinking 'maybe I should have spent less time writing blog posts about how I would like to die?'- I don't think so. Instead your heart will be pounding and your life will be rushing past you- the rubbish and all the brilliance of your fully human life as you disappear down the bear's throat.

It is not au fait to be imperfect nowadays- there's always a billboard telling you that you're WRONG, as if life is a horribly difficult experience relieved only by running marathons and discovering a new kind of orchid or whatever. But not everything is funny, and it doesn't matter. We are better than a quip, small under our sunglasses and anecdotes, there is so much more thinking to do.

When I'm hurtling through the air after the aeroplane has exploded I will be shouting all this into the sky; for we are swimming with dolphins and the bus that never comes- perfect from the day we are born.

Saturday, 9 March 2013

Acres of the Moon

Mother's day is not for single mothers. Father's day is mostly for dads in families and Valentines day is not on anybody’s side at all. Really a lot of these days should be renamed hole in the heart day because irl that's what they are.

While all the normal people eat quails eggs and heart shaped puddings with their love-fat fingers you will most likely be cracking open cockroaches by candlelight and wondering what kind of life this really is. You might almost be tempted to think that human relations are beyond complex.

The truth is that nobody leads a conventional life apart from a handful of people who you will never hear say serviette and others who would never think to say napkin- they look at the advertisements and see that mum would like light-reflecting lipstick and music albums by handsome sociopathic singers and they are pleased because they are doing things in the right order.

The road less travelled by but not too far from the path, there is a relationship you must have, there are relationships you must have with people who buy you tulips and gadgets and acres of the moon, and soon you will live together and a seed will be planted in your body which will grow into a wonderful beanstalk, with no less than ten fingers and ok looking as well.

But the secret is that real love is better than the narrative; You could crush those perky tv families with a single kiss. You don't have to live that way and you are an entire world with more love inside you than a church.

Monday, 4 March 2013

The Big Silence

Finnish was the language I was going to learn from Linguaphone. It was Glamorous and also my cat Sid was from Finland, he had his stuffing knocked out of him when the maggots got in him and we had to put him in the washing machine. I think I needed to discuss it with him, and also how the boys had got him in the playground one day and thrown him around until I cried a bit but was brave and didn’t show it.

I was going to learn Finnish, so I saved my money and one day went to the Post Box opposite my school so I could post the Important Forms off and get the tapes which I would listen to on my Walkman. Then I would be able to talk with Sid, about all the things, and he would listen to the things and that would be OK.

The Post Box was all on it’s own on a V shaped verge and over the road was my School where somewhere behind a fence was a shed with a secret music box where a small plastic woman went round and round. Also there was a whole hedge full of Ghosts, but I was the only one who knew and the daddy long legs skipped around them with this Big Silence, I never knew what it was but I did know about death.

I was in trouble. I was always in trouble. I was in Trouble because I didn’t know how to tie my shoelaces or tell the time. No one ever told me how to do those things and I thought I was pretty stupid. Sid came everywhere he was long and his eyes were scratched from where the boys had got him, also a dog had once bitten his ears a bit so he was all ragged but I made him clothes that were Glamorous like his Arabian Nights costume and he wore a Jam Pot frill as a hat and sang songs about being a Pop Star.

I was a witch but no one knew, and there was a witch above my head but also out in the orchard and no one knew about that one except the bats. Maybe I would tell Sid once I was fluent in Finnish, I think he would be interested and that would be pretty good. There were lots of things I wanted to talk about and although I was obtuse I’m pretty sure that he wouldn’t mind because he was not brand new.

All the things in Beauty and the Beast came alive, there was a candlestick that could talk and also a clock, I think he was French. I’m sure that Post Box was alive too- he was black and his mouth was open but nothing ever came out and he didn’t seem as friendly as the little teapot with the chip. In fact if you put your hand in there with Important Forms then it was very possible your hand would get bitten off which would make tying your shoes up even more difficult.

One day they burned the fields around him, and the black smoke rose up and swallowed him and the Ghosts and the little lady all to nothing. I stole a handkerchief off a girl and buried it in the woods. I would have kept it but it had her initials on in curly stitch and in the end it didn't have much to do with me.